Snore, Snooze, Snap

Posted: October 23, 2011 in family, humor, Life, storytelling
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Hey, get up, yous!

Silhouettes against the dim light from the hallway, one heavy, one lean, they perch menacingly on opposite sides of the bed. Their weight holds the covers tight and I thrash in my panic. Through bleary eyes, I see the smaller one lean toward me and for one crazy second I feel like I’m the guy in the trunk in “Goodfellas” and Joe Pesci and Ray Liotta are getting ready to slam the lid down. Suddenly I realize one of two things is happening: Benny the Shark is tired of waiting and has sent his muscle to collect, or I’ve hit the snooze button one time too many and the dogs have to pee.

It’s the dogs. I’m square with Benny.

This is my morning ritual. I’ve always been an early riser, more by habit than choice. Up by 5:00 a.m. all days but Saturday when my feet hit the floor at 3:45 to be at the radio station for my show by 4:30. My alarm clock is my cell phone because I can kill the average timepiece in three months or less. Because my cell phone still thinks it’s just a phone, it maintains its will to live. For an event that seems on the surface no more organized than a stampede, our routine is surprisingly well orchestrated.

4:30 a.m. Phone plays cheery tune appropriately titled “Morning Splendor”. I twist as far out of my 2 by 4 foot sleeping space as the dogs will let me, and grope blindly for it, sweeping my glasses and water bottle to the floor. I find snooze and the three of us snore for another ten minutes.

4:40 a.m. I slap the phone open to check the time. The 3,000 watt backlight assures me it’s still early and in the glare, the snooze button takes another hit. Indie snorts and rolls over but Owen starts to get happy feet.

4:50 a.m. “Morning Splendor” peals again and I knuckle my eyes to make sure they still open. Indie sits up, poised for his Pesci moment while Owen does warm-ups for his morning gymnastics. The snooze button says, “Do that to me one more time” and I comply.

5:00 a.m. It’s GO time. Both dogs are in their “Goodfellas” positions, awaiting their cue. I roll up in the blankets for maximum thrashability and squeeze my eyes shut against the inevitable. At 5:00 straight up, the orchestra begins. My eyelids snap open and I shoot up to a sitting position with the precision of a coffined vampire getting staked. Pesci butts me in the shoulder with his head while Liotta goes with the full cold wet nose to the ear. We are officially awake. With the exception of my husband who was smart enough to fall asleep in the recliner in the living room.

A “Goodfellas” good morning probably isn’t for everyone but it works for me. Most days, I’m just happy to still be on the top side of the trunk lid. Ciao!

  1. Joe the Cat must be on your time. I believe it was 4:30 the other morning when he took a flying pounce from above my right shoulder right to my solar plexus, using my abs to springboard off the bed and out of the room, better to pounce another day. He left me gasping and sitting up in the dark, swearing I’d punch him in the face if I was still awake when he came around again. He is too smart for that, of course, and my anger lasted about as long it takes a match to burn out anyway. It sounds like you need a bigger bed!

    • This week the boys needed walking at 3:00 am three days in a row. I don’t know if it was a moon thing or what the deal was. Crazy animals! And yes, I do need a bigger bed. But then I would need a bigger bedroom and a bigger house. And smaller dogs…

  2. Hey! I nominated you for Most Versatile Blogger Award. Cuz you’re awesome. And you have all those embarrassing pictures of me…check out the post!

  3. Renee Weatherbee says:

    It probably doesn’t seem all that funny at 4:30 in the morning, but I like how you put your humorous spin on a common, everyday occurance. Very entertaining!

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