Ask Dr. Frankenstein

Posted: October 30, 2011 in Horror, humor, Life
Tags: , , , , , ,
The boneyard

In the Thompson graveyard...

Thanks to horror movies, I avoid cornfields, distrust clowns, and only hang out with people who run slower than me (sometimes they can be really hard to find. Oh, Agnes and the girls at the Senior Center say “Hi“).

Amidst the dismembered body parts, demon-possessed kids‘ toys, and screaming co-eds whose wardrobes apparently consist only of tank tops and shoes they can’t run in, good horror flicks can provide solid, practical advice that you won’t get anywhere else. A few examples…

Looking for a vacation hideaway? Secluded cabins built over Indian burial grounds are never a good deal, no matter how great the price or the view.

Want to know if the hockey-mask-wearing, knife-wielding psycho on your front lawn is really dead? Kick him in the nads. If he curls up in a fetal position and screams, he’s still alive.

Need to find a bathroom on an unfamiliar road in the middle of the night? Avoid deserted amusement parks, drive-ins, gas stations, freak shows, wax museums and funeral homes. Pull over to the side of the road, lean your back against the car, and just go. But stay away from the cornfield.

Packing for a weekend at a rundown summer camp where 19 people have been murdered? Throw in an ax, good running shoes, and a flashlight. Leave the stilettos, Ouija board, and bag of pot at home.

Confronted by zombies and can’t decide whether to hide or run? Make a break for it. They’re the walking dead, not the sprinting dead, so odds are good they can’t catch you. If you hide, they’ll wait for you forever because let’s face it – they’ve got nothing but time to kill.

I’d love to share more, tricksters, but the “Horror Fest” marathon is starting soon and I need to get to class. Happy Halloween!

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Comments
  1. Damn, and I’ve already committed to traipsing through the cornfield in my sassy stilettos tonight! *quandary* I’ll definitely take the ax, and the nads *giggle* advice is a good reminder! Thanks, coach!

  2. Renee Weatherbee says:

    Oh, you know Agnes too!?! Thanks for getting my spook on and making me laugh my ass off while hanging out the car window driving down the Interstate.

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