You’re Breaking Up With Me?

Posted: November 6, 2011 in fiction, humor, storytelling, Writing
Tags: , , , , , ,

It’s over. I should have seen it coming. We’d first met a couple of weeks ago, just sort of bumped into each other while I was out walking one morning. There was a little harmless flirting, then the casual “getting to know you” thing, and then early in the morning of November 1, when this year’s National Novel Writing Month challenge ( kicked off, my novel and I officially became a couple.

Its name was “Damn Happy Place’ and in the beginning we were SO happy. Like skipping around singing Disney tunes, having your favorite ice cream for every meal, winning the Powerball jackpot happy. Well, I thought we were. Then two days in to our perfect relationship, Damn Happy dumped me.

It happened about 2:00 a.m. on Thursday. We’d been on my laptop for hours and hey, I’ll admit there’d been some moments when the conversation was lagging but then out of nowhere, Damn Happy says to me:

“Look, this isn’t working out.”


“I don’t want to hurt you. You’re a great girl and everything, really, but I think you should write other novels.” 

“But, but…we’re happy! Aren’t we? Is it me? What am I doing wrong? Just tell me, and I’ll fix it.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you. I’m just in kind of a weird place right now and I need a little time to sort some things out.”

“Maybe I can help. We could try author-novel counseling.  Maybe take a trip? A change of location might be just what our story needs. Ooh, I could kill off a main character or something. That would spice things up a bit. Or I could…”

“Just stop already, O.K.? THAT’S the problem. You’re too controlling, you’re smothering me. Always telling me what to say, what to do, who to be.  I’m tired of being manipulated! We both knew this was probably only going to be a short term fling anyway.”

“But we had some good times, didn’t we? I mean, come on. That scene in the tree house? Pretty hot stuff.”

“I was faking it.”

“What? The WHOLE time? No way.”

“Well, maybe not the first couple of pages but…yeah, pretty much the whole time. So listen, I’m going to go now. I think it’s just better for both of us. I’m not ready for this kind of commitment right now. You’ll find another novel to write, I know you will. Oh, and one more thing: I’m keeping the title.”

“The hell you are. I GAVE you that title. If you’re breaking up with me, I want it back. I might even use it on another story, what do you think of that?”

“Fine, whatever. Don’t call me.”

And that was it. I was sitting at my writing desk, 48 hours in to a 30-day, 50,000 word novel writing challenge with no novel. Despondent, I shut things down and went to bed but I couldn’t sleep. I lay in the darkness, alone, contemplating my newly single status.  Suddenly I recalled another novel idea I’d met last spring. It was a little more serious, a bit more involved, but there’d been a connection, a spark there, that if I had to admit it, hadn’t really existed between Damn and I.

So at 3:00 a.m. I got out of bed, turned on the laptop and called it up. Its name is “Iron Maidens” and turns out, Iron had been hanging out waiting for me to call this whole time. We’ve been inseparable ever since. I know what you’re thinking – these rebound relationships never work out. But we’re going the distance, Iron and me, at least until November 30 and I think maybe longer than that. Because We. Are. In. Love. Really. Oh, and Damn Happy? I was faking it, too.

  1. letempspasse says:

    Wow, what an awesome post! That is just too funny. Definitely my kind of humor.
    Hope you can go the distance with Iron.

  2. Nisha says:

    Awww, sorry it didn’t work out but thanks for giving me a good laugh! 😀

    • (SIGH) It was never meant to be…I’m a Gemini, Damn didn’t even believe in astrology. You should know, Nisha, most of the time, I’m all about the funny! Thanks for reading it.

  3. About time. I never thought Damn was good enough for you anyway. In fact I thought I saw him making eyes at another novelist the other night. Iron sounds GREAT! I hope the two of you are very happy together!

  4. I used to hang out with Iron Maiden from, like, 5th through 7th grade. I’ll never forget those times. Good luck. Clever post.

  5. Renee Weatherbee says:

    Well, he wasn’t good enough for you anyway, so it’s Damn’s loss. I am happy to see that you didn’t let his rejection stop you from opening up to others, that would have been a tragedy!

  6. Andrea S. Michaels says:

    Nothing beats a rocky beginning with a happy ending 🙂

  7. Very clever. Hope I get invited to the wedding!

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